


Nightmares

by TwoMenAndAGuava (drakkynfyre47)



Series: in which I use john sheppard to cope [2]
Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Abuse, Asexual Character, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-08
Updated: 2017-02-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 19:05:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9621473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drakkynfyre47/pseuds/TwoMenAndAGuava
Summary: You have nightmares about it later.





	

You have nightmares about it later.

The first time it happens you’re too surprised and scared to do anything to stop it.

The first time it happens they give you and your team extra food and supplies.

You close your mouth over the complaints you’d planned to deliver to Elizabeth and take the supplies.

The second time it happens it’s a different planet.

The second time it happens it’s the same people, dressed differently, and then undressed the same.

You let them do what they want, because Atlantis is low on supplies.

The third time it happens they drug you and tie you up.

The third time it happens you couldn’t even move, couldn’t struggle at all.

You paste a smile on your face and tell your team everything’s fine.

The fourth time it happens blurs into the fifth into the sixth into the seventh until you lose count.

You don’t tell Elizabeth what’s going on.

You change away from your team, so they won’t see the hickeys, bruises, and cuts on your bare skin.

You finally muster the courage to ask them why, next time they take you.

They tell you it’s been a long time since they’ve had someone who was willing to play with them.

You tell them you’re not willing. They laugh in your face and threaten to take your team until they find someone who is willing. You don’t even try to resist next time.

You’ve been abused before. Your father was neglectful and homophobic, alternately ignoring and screaming at you and Dave. Your first boyfriend manipulated you and used you for sex. You were tortured when you were captured in Afghanistan. None of that’s prepared you for having to lie to the people who mean most to you, having to cover how badly they’ve hurt you.

Rodney’s once again complaining that you’re the one who always gets to have sex with pretty women. You bite your lip and pretend to be smug and try not to let the anger show on your face. Evidently it’s not working, because Rodney starts yelling at you, getting in your face, and you feel lightheaded and have to sit down.

You don’t want to have sex with pretty women. You don’t want to have sex with pretty men. You don’t want to have sex with anyone, no matter what gender or level of attractiveness. You just want to be left alone and to keep your team safe.

Teyla suspects something’s wrong. She’s cornered you a few times, but luckily your radio goes off before she can do anything about it. You want to collapse into her arms and cry, but you’re too emotionally broken to do that. You’ll be damned if your team will ever find out about this.

You make sure your team is the only one ever assigned to the planets where it happens. No one else deserves to be hurt.

Rodney thinks it’s selfish, for you to not “share” the people who hit on you. You barely refrain from telling him to shut up.

You know your behavior is changing. You can tell you’re withdrawing more and more, but you can’t stop it, not if you’re going to keep pretending everything’s fine. Without people nearby, you won’t flinch, and without flinching, no one will be able to tell you’re not fine.

Ford is worried. You can tell because he lingers just a little too long when he drops off his reports. You smile at him, as genuine as you can manage, because Ford’s a good kid and doesn’t deserve to know what’s going on.

You have nightmares about it later.


End file.
